Breaking the Cycle: Understanding and Addressing Urges in Sex Addiction
One of the most challenging aspects of sex addiction is recognizing how urges form and taking steps to address them in the moment. Many individuals assume that their urges begin with thoughts—images or fantasies that play in their minds. But in truth, these urges are often rooted in feelings that arise in the body long before the mind engages.
Understanding and addressing these feelings is critical to breaking the cycle of sex addiction.
The True Source of Urges: Feelings, Not Just Thoughts
For many men, the experience of an urge begins with an uncomfortable sensation—a rush throughout the body or a queasy feeling in the stomach. This feeling can often be tied to shame, rejection, or unease. It’s reminiscent of the emotions a child might feel when they’ve been “bad” or have done something wrong.
This unpleasant feeling creates a sense of internal discomfort. At this point, there’s a choice:
Sink into the feeling – Letting the discomfort grow unchecked, which often leads to fantasies and a cycle of negative imagination.
Sit with the feeling – Recognizing and naming the emotion to process it constructively.
The Cycle of Acting Out
When someone chooses to sink into the feeling, the discomfort often leads to an escape through fantasy. Here’s how the cycle progresses:
The Feeling: Uncomfortable emotions such as shame, rejection, or unease create a desire for relief.
Fantasy: The mind begins to create scenarios or revisit past sexual experiences, images, or thoughts as a distraction from the discomfort.
Stimulation: Pornography or other sexualized content becomes the fuel for the imagination, intensifying the fantasy.
Escalation: The combination of feelings and imagery leads to preoccupation and eventually to acting out.
This cycle temporarily soothes the discomfort but ultimately leads to shame and behaviors that do not align with personal values or goals. The unresolved feelings remain, perpetuating the cycle.
The Power of Sitting with the Feeling
The alternative to sinking into the cycle is learning to sit with the feeling. This involves pausing to ask:
What is this feeling in my body?
What’s coming up for me right now?
Is this connected to shame, rejection, anxiety, or something I’m avoiding?
By identifying and naming the feeling, it becomes less overwhelming. For example:
“I’m feeling rejected right now because of a disagreement with my partner.”
“I’m feeling shame from a past experience.”
“I’m feeling anxious about a work deadline.”
When the feeling is labeled, it can be seen for what it is—a temporary emotional state, not a reason to act out. Sitting with the feeling allows it to dissipate naturally and creates space for wise action.
The Role of Negative Imagination
Unprocessed feelings often lead to a spiral of negative imagination—a “fake reality” created by the mind to escape discomfort. For example, fantasies fueled by sexualized images or content become a distorted world where temporary pleasure takes priority over long-term well-being.
But these fantasies are not reality. They are simply a mental escape from discomfort. Recognizing this can help someone see urges for what they are: a pattern rooted in unresolved feelings.
Creating a Plan for Change
Breaking the cycle of sex addiction requires a plan for action:
Pause and Notice: When you feel the rush or unease in your body, stop and notice the sensation.
Name the Feeling: Identify what you’re feeling—shame, rejection, fear, or something else.
Stay in the Present: Avoid blaming yourself or others. Instead, acknowledge the feeling as a temporary state.
Process the Emotion: Ask yourself, “What’s the true intent of this feeling? What am I avoiding or needing?”
Choose a New Action: Instead of sinking into fantasy or preoccupation, take a healthy action like journaling, walking, or talking to a trusted person.
Conclusion: A Choice to Feel, Not Act
Urges are not inevitable—they are a signal that something deeper needs attention. By choosing to sit with the feeling rather than sink into it, you can interrupt the cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, and acting out.
This process is not easy, but it is empowering. Each time you face the choice to feel instead of act, you are building resilience and reclaiming control. Remember, the urge starts with a feeling, and that’s where the opportunity for change begins.
